Some heartbreaks never go quiet.

Country legend Lorrie Morgan is no stranger to grief, but nothing prepared her for the storm that hit when her husband, Randy White, lost his battle with cancer on June 1. The couple had spent 17 years building a life together, traveling the world, raising their blended family, and finding joy in the everyday. And when he left, Morgan wasn’t just saying goodbye to her husband. She was saying goodbye to her safe place.

In an exclusive interview with PEOPLE, the “Something in Red” singer opened up for the first time about White’s passing, calling the cancer diagnosis “earth-shattering.” White had always been health, barely a cold in years, so when sinus issues turned out to be mouth cancer, it blindsided everyone. Morgan tried to arrange treatment at a top cancer center, but White insisted on staying close to home in their small Tennessee town.

It was his decision, but it haunts her still. According to Morgan, the radiation was administered in the wrong spot, which led to a hole in the back of his throat that never healed. He couldn’t eat, had to rely on feeding tubes, and started to fade. “He just declined and declined,” she said, holding back the anger and regret that still simmers. “It’s not where I wanted him to be.”

As the days got shorter, White moved into hospice. Morgan and their kids surrounded him, toasted him, and told stories, hoping he could still hear them. And when she briefly stepped out of the room, he let go. “He waited for me not to be there,” she said. That moment has replayed in her mind ever since.

Now, Morgan wears his ashes in a necklace. His chair still holds his favorite stuffed cat, Bunny, draped with the rosary he once slept with. She talks to him often. Sometimes she’s mad. Sometimes she apologizes. “I’m sorry I couldn’t save you,” she whispers. The ache doesn’t fade. It just changes shape.

Lorrie Morgan & her Husband Randy White made an appearance on Wednesday May 2nd at the Naval Support Activity Panama City FL. to support the Military and the Wounded Warriors Foundation. Such a great night! pic.twitter.com/ifAbOlAifx

— Lorrie Morgan (@TheLorrieMorgan) May 4, 2018

This wasn’t Morgan’s first loss. She’d buried her second husband, country icon Keith Whitley, in 1989. She’d been through a string of marriages and heartbreaks before she met Randy, at a moment when she swore off love completely. She asked God for a sign, and minutes later, Randy showed up in her driveway hauling a tree and asking for a favor. It felt ridiculous but real. She hired him to do some yard work. That yard turned into wine on the porch, shared roots, and eventually, a wedding on the beach in Anguilla.

Randy didn’t know much about her career. He wasn’t impressed by fame. He loved her kids. He loved her dogs. He made banana bread that her band still talks about. He was the kind of man her son Jesse needed after a childhood scarred by loss. A quiet, kind example of what manhood should look like. A man who never raised his voice but filled a room.

These days, Morgan is back on the road. Shows to play. Bills to pay. But she doesn’t remember those early performances after his death. She’s still searching for solid ground. Her band, her friends, and her family are helping keep her afloat. But at home, in the quiet, the chair stays full. The silence is loud.

“I’m not afraid of being alone,” she said. “I’m afraid of not ever having that safe feeling again. That feeling where you know someone’s got you.”

Lorrie Morgan has spent a lifetime turning pain into poetry. This chapter? It’s still writing itself. But one thing is clear. Love like that doesn’t end with goodbye. It lingers, in the garden, in the music, in every breath she takes alone but not quite lonely.